Social Security called yesterday and said they want to send me to one of their chosen physician's for a breathing test...finally! Of course, I'm just a number or a claim and the provided test is probably about proving my regular physician's and test weren't good enough so a letter of claim denial can be sent. No word from SSI yet ...but did get that letter from my private disability saying my illnesses where chronic but present when I signed the contract, therefore they may deny. A catch 22 ...one benefit provider is trying to say 'denied' because my diseases aren't severe enough and another is saying the chronic and severe for to long. If I could, I'd run away and tell all these institutions to keep their benefits...but I can't and wouldn't get very far! You work hard, pay taxes feeling comfort in things like Social Security and Health and Disabiliy Insurance only to find when you really need them there's more money spent on finding a way to deny claims and benefits than there is to assist. Can't help but wonder how many others have been through this alone, financially ruined, and sick from life shortening disease's and died before the system offered them the approvals for their claims...how many? How many with Emphysema or Cancer have been postponed or denied before any quality of life was sucked away by time and red tape??? Was the money the State's received from the exceptionally high tobacco taxes used for something other than what we were told??? Was the court settlement on tobacco industries millions paid to the State of Florida for tobacco related illnesses and healthcare spent somewhere else??? It would appear there's an awful lot of tax and court settlement funds that either aren't there or not being used for what the public was told. At least it looks like I won't receive what I and millions of other taxpayers have been paying for and promised. Time will tell...if I live long enough to be an expense and use them. I know, some are thinking because Emphysema is a tobacco related disease it's fair to deny benefits... but truth of many illnesses and diseases that do instantly qualify others, is that they're started from one or more bad life choices. Some from drug abuse, some from alcohol, some from not eating healthy, and so on. I don't drink, don't do drugs, but was a tobacco user who developed Emphysema. Here I am, sick and unable to function with no hopes of that changing. Yet, after working for 30 years finding this huge wall to climb to receive minimal help. Forms and more forms, investigation after investigation and still no approval or deniel after 90 days and counting. I've lived a good clean life other than smoking, worked hard and been there for others while never imagining I'd oneday be asking for help. Hate the idea! For the past year, I not only battle this disease, but continue to battle the systems not for gain, but for continued existance and some independance. That's where I am today and hope to have better things to write about sooooon?
- posted by mikey046 @ 6:02 AM

 
Starting the day right this a.m. putting the priorities in order and listing them. List of things "to do" are necessary with my disease. I stayed in denial for a long time about the need of doing this task each and everyday. The reason it's necessary is because the lack of oxygen getting in the blood and to the brain several times each day makes processing simple plans and daily routines difficult and even impossible at times. That's if you body doesn't hit the wall from fatigue, again, from poor lung function and oxygen delivery. Today I'm up and about and the energy level is almost always better in the a.m. My emails are read and answered, the birds and squirrels outback are fed and I'm about to complete my "to do" list in a few moments. Sunny SE Florida isn't going to be so sunny for the next week or so. There's lots of tropical weather rolling this way with rain and thunder storm potential. Almost 3 months have passed since my physician placed me short term disability and my filing for Social Security Disability. No word from Social Security or the SSI I just applied for a week or so ago. I'm expecting a very tough month or 2 before I hear anything either way on my claim. May have elec. cut-off next month...no funds to pay bills now. I keep the faith something will give soon? Oh, Sat. I received word the Disability Insurance on my car may stop payments on my car loan. Seems they believe or I'm not entitled to the benefit because I signed the certificate stating I was healthy and didn't have "any illnesses" at signing or the 6 months prior to signing. I was working full time, and although I felt very healthy just over one year ago and didn't know I would have to stop working, they adjust in a letter said they have on file a dispute. Meaning I may have gone to the Dr. for something and it doesn't matter if it was a cold or flu, etc.! If I had "any" illness they won't have to honor my current disability from what the adjuster tells me? So another hurdle gets a bit higher! I'm keeping the faith even though it's not easy. The rest of this year will be about needing help, waiting for help, and taking more losses I think? All so boring to read... but I remind the readers, I'm not a good writer while thinking writing a book and publishing them would be a perfect job now that I can't do physical trade work. Who knows, maybe when the living and benefit issues are settled I can take courses on writing, english and grammer and start a book of some kind.... That would be special!!! Love, peace, health and happiness to the reader!
- posted by mikey046 @ 8:32 AM

 
The past weekend went well with visit from Sherri (my sister!). She was a big help and got me out of the house which was a nice. We went to the beach Sun. morning and inspite of the storm clouds it was nice. I couldn't walk far along the shore line as we'd done in the past but did walk far enough for my sister to remember how fun it was to treasure hunt for shells. For the first time in our lives, this sibling had to sit on the side line and watch. In years past I always would try to collect more shore line shells and treasures. But enjoyed watching and we both took a few photo's of the beach. On the down side, I wasn't able to prepare or entertain my wonderdul sister or provide much activity because it just wasn't there. Emphysema continues to force change in all I do and/or can't do! For the curious, the disease doesn't just make breathing hard, or is it about coughing a lot. It's about not having energy and even changes how the mind thinks and reacts to everyday task and routines. About giving up independance and letting loved one's see you in a 'new' state of mind, body and spirit. I can still do just enough on most days to hide some of what I've lost to the average observer if I'm not in view to long. But those who know me can see and I hate that. Doing my own thing, my own way, was always a big (maybe the biggest?) part of my identity and it's slowly slipping away! The journey continues though, change continues without waiting......... No word from SSA over the weekend, still waiting and hoping for disability.
- posted by mikey046 @ 7:22 AM

 
The weekend is here already and I don't have much new news to write about. Thoughts are a bit negative because I received a letter earlier in the week that said the workers comp claim is set for mediation late in October. No word on my applications for disability and SSI yet and I feel drained and haven't done much of anything. No breathing with Anxiety Attacks today and that's good! Well the bank accounts are empty, bills have piled up and if Social Security doesn't approve and/or reply soon I'll be removed from my home of 20 years due to foreclosure. I'm almost out of prescription medication, the electric bill is past due, and my car insurance has been cancelled. So all I can do is wait and pray for one of the agencies to come through soon? I've worked and paid my taxes since 1973 and never dreamed of being unable to work or enjoy day to day life. But here I am, loosing everything I earned and worked for, not working, no income in sight and every bill is long overdue except the phone and ISP. I try to keep my chin up and remain positive, but it's getting more and more difficult everyday. Every help (except our food stamps program!), takes my applications but reminds me they can take at least 120 days to review and investigate my claims. Looks like they will take their maximum and allow me to loose my electric and medications. The occupational illness or workers comp court date is almost the 120 days the law allows the employers insurance to investigate. Social Security is already past 70 days....and I know that doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when your about to loose your home, electric service, car, etc., it's an eternity...for me it means more than I can express here! Not only loss of independance, pride and self-esteem, but loss of the few things in my life that brought me security and comfort of my choosing and hard work. One disease is about to take it all away.......... )-:
- posted by mikey046 @ 4:53 PM

 
Oops, fell a day behind...to exhausted yesterday to make my thoughts work. Not much done yesterday except the trip to the Dr.'s for an MRI Test. Most of what I wanted to accomplish yesterday waits for today! So maybe today will be one of accomplishment, I hope so, things are falling behind around me and that's not good. Unlike before, there won't be a lasting burst of energy to complete the chores and task around the house, rather the will and desire will be intense in a body that can't follow through. Will have to plan and do little bits and at a pace that doesn't overwelm! I'm just not used to this pacing and doing little bits at a time thing yet. When I get a rare burst of energy I shoot out the gate like a race horse forgetting it's the wrong way to start. I forget that if I don't manage my energy and moments carefully I'll be out of breath, heart racing and unable to do anything... with an Anxiety Attack just waiting to jump in. I must re-learn living and time management. Energy management! It's a bitch, and I see myself as being re-born only to die shortly after learning how to live again...chaotic state of mind today! I'll find the good in it along the way.......
- posted by mikey046 @ 2:54 AM

 
Now I'm actually writing the sameday as I'm posting....finally catching up! Not that anyone is reading or understanding what the hell I'm talking about in these odd things. Guess it's more about venting and feeling it will be a good read for somebody, somewhere, sometime??? Does feel good to write and express none the less although I wish I had the writing skills to express much better with fewer words. I read other post and journals and admire authors who can get their points and expressions through so wonderfully in words. It's a 'fine art' and nothing short of a gift just like an oil painter who creates and speaks through his paintings!!! I woke up early this a.m. caughing, caughing, caughing! So, when it stopped and I caught my breath, I decided to check my emails. None but the usual spam for 'breast enlargement' and 'stay harder longer' ads. Oh, and a few spams for getting out of debt easily....yeah, right...laugh, that's funny for me to read!!! Lets see for today, it's mow grass, organize papers and bills, pick a small sect. of house to clean and watch some TV tonight. Check emails and try to plan enough rest periods so I can finish my "To Do" list for the day. Try to avoid caughing, panic and/or anxiety attacks and hope all gets done on the list.... Oh, and feed and watch the birds and squirrels outback, which is really my private prayer sanctuary (don't tell anybody!)... You have a great day and enjoy the simple things in life that are always all around you.............!
- posted by mikey046 @ 5:12 AM

 
Saturday afternoon two wonderful guys from work stopped in and cheered me up. We talked and it felt good see special people I knew instead of unknown case and social workers... which has been my primary people contact for the past several months. Oh, and lots of Dr.'s and medical folks for on going testing. The combination of COPD/Emphysema robs the bodies energy, so some of us don't like being in the public eye, it's no fun having folks see us coughing, having anxiety attacks or going through periods of not being able to breath and function normally. Personally, I've isolated myself and environment to a very few. Those include my beautiful sisters and a very few friends. If my disease gets any worse I won't want them seeing me either, preferring everybody I care about remembering me as the lively person I once was!!! Some say I'm selfish, but I don't agree, realizing the memories do stay with us.... and leaving good memories (to me!), is far better. The ability share in a give and take relationship on any equal level is almost gone.... so for me, these would be my 'taking' and not being able to give back. That's just not me and I honestly hate not being able to give back the way I used too!!! I wanted to mow some more of the yard, but my body said NO. So will try to make that a priority for Sunday, oh hell, I need to write that on my "To Do" list or I might forget! That's the other thing this disease does to some of us. Makes normal things like remembering simple task a greater task because you just can't remember. Why? First, I suppose, it's from the lack of oxygen in the blood getting to the brain efficiently. Second, all those little task take longer and seemingly more effort so for me, daily routine gets frustrating and confusing as a result. **Best of Saturday - Friends stopping in and watching the birds and squirrels at the feeder, reading and writing emails from cyber-friends. Worst of Saturday - didn't get much done around my house and felt depressed my home doesn't look or feel as it did before the disease for quest. It's now a self serve home for quest and visitors...a totally different approach I didn't expect or want!!!
- posted by mikey046 @ 4:56 AM

 
Thursday I gathered papers to renew Food Stamp help and was approved, I'm thankful for that. The office was almost empty when I arrived....a first! New case worker was a young lady who was very nice. When I left for home I had some energy left so made my way to our local Social Security Office and finally filed for the SSI. Have tried before but the crowds made the wait to long for me. Last time I tried (about a week earlier!), I had a panic attack while sitting in the waiting room (was elbow to elbow people!). Some people were sick and caughing; kids were running about with their parent(s) yelling for them to 'sit down' or 'be quiet' which wasn't going to happen.... Anyway I felt my chest tighten up and breathing was getting difficult. Like sucking a very thick milkshake through a straw! I started to loose my thoughts and the arms and legs felt like they had steel weights attached...had to get out to my car. I did, and puffed my inhaler, rested and before beginning the drive home said a prayer. That 7 or 8 mile journey felt like 100 as the mind and body just weren't working together. Every stop sign and traffic light was like a hurdle, I just knew I needed to get home. Have this awful fear of dying in a public place! That was last week, this week at the SSA Office I made it with just a few physical hardships but it's done... That was a big hurdle for this new existance! First, I didn't want to ask for help and second, the forms and questions make you feel scared and worried because somethings you just can't remember(?) and if you read the warnings on each form, sounds as if you make any mistakes you'll be carted off to prison or some other awful place. When you sign a form in the welfare office the next thing you'll hear, is "...ok, we'll call you after we investigate your claim!" Everything is about investigating, verifying and a great energy exist in some to prove you don't need the help! Some will go as far as taking your photographs in the office, outdoors and God forbid if your out and about. So everything you do you can't help but worry about somebody watching.... I do mind this, just because I fear the abuse of a photo or video clip by an investagator who I'm sure is trained and told it's "a good thing" to catch people doing something that may deny a claim!!! Ok, on to Friday, I did mow some of my yard, the grass was getting thick and tall. Can't afford the city fines or to hire somebody to do it for me. Just mowed a little, not much just what my lungs would allow, about 15 minutes worth with a needed rest brake. Another 5 minutes or maybe 6 and I had to stop. Heart pounding, hard to breath, and arms and legs not wanting to move. A buzz and tingling in the body also, so I left the mower sit where it was shut down, came inside the house and had to lie down. During the recovery rest, I was thinking "oh shit" if somebody took a photo or video of me I'll loose my help and benefits, be out on the street while the banks and government take my home and car. Looks like they'll go the full distance, so I don't even have the piece of mind of knowing I qualify by their rules yet??? For now I'm done filing out forms and applying for help. Now the waiting continues and I'm just going to do the best I can until then, no other choice! My big pleasure is watching the bird feeder outside which attracts birds, squirrels, and even raccoons! A few snakes every now and then. I love watching the animals and anything to do with creation including seeing the sunsets and sunrises... There's always a silver lining! Oh, and I'm starting to enjoy posting these things although I wish I had paid attention to my English teachers, because it would be great to know how to write and author things. Silly me, when younger, just worked for the sake of working... no planning or dream chasing...had to work!
- posted by mikey046 @ 8:18 AM

 
Last night I couldn't help but reflect on how organized my life's direction seemed before Oct. 2002. Job, finances, social and hobbies were all in place and on a steady course to take me into retirement. I am a creature of habbit and strived to find routine nearly all of my life staying with the predictable and successful plans even though those paths took longer. Today, I'm on a different path and journey where everyday is a struggle and totally unpredictable. My choices to start smoking cigarettes in my teens and choosing job trades where welding and fabricating steel, of all things in a cement roofing tile production mill (sand, cement, silica and round the clock dust and chemicals!) can now be said to be a bad mix of choices. From the end of last until today I went through a gradual inability to maintain my earnings from work. A steady collapse in worked hours, at first. Then a lost day here and there followed by lost time in days and so on. Two years ago, I was working out with weights, cycling and jogging proudly posting my photo's in online profiles showing my physical changes which weren't to bad for a 40 + man. The contrast now from then goes way beyond fighting for survival physically and emotionally. It's a fight to keep any aspect of property and the life I worked so hard to keep in order. God forbid if you don't have at least 6 months worth of bills saved up in the bank while you apply for disability benefits to carry you through this. I didn't! When the working income slows and finally stops becaues the physicians place you on short term diability followed by disabiltiy, you find your savings paying for medicines and electric bills, etc. chipping away at those savings. That's where I am now, just about halfway through the waiting process with 3 months to go for a decision and help. In less than one month I'll need to file bankruptcy as I don't have the resources or energy and health to find creative ways to stop the finacial fall. Any quality of life depends on other people in the systems (our tax dollars pay for) making decisions for or against the applications. My hard fought battles to be independent and paying my own way all of my adult life now lies in the hands of others. Wow, it feels good to write this and make room in mind for more later...... Oh, I miss qualifying for SSI because I have a non running '89 pickup in the backyard. It's considered an asset they tell me. My spendable dollars in the mean time are at zero! My late bills ....well, I don't want to think about that now. Time for a rest, and careful planning to get through today. Love, peace and good health to you........
- posted by mikey046 @ 7:38 AM

 
Greetings Visitor, This is my first attempt with this wonderful forum provided at Blogger so read with patients as I learn and adjust. I've been diagnosed with COPD/EMPHYSEMA and as my life changes I needed an outlet, so here I am. Note the Blog "Finish Line In Sight" comes from a biblical reference by the Apostle Paul regarding life being a race, which always made sense to me....although I never thought the finish line would be insight before! I'll work on my technique and formulate a plan of direction within the next few days on how to use this site. I'm so amazed with the cyber world and digital stuff so I can only feel good about doing this and sharing with those who read my words... Do what you desire as soon as possible and never think your finish line is beyond sight.....one turn and it's there before you know it!!! Last, I want to thank an artistic person who gave me the idea to take on this little adventure. I don't know this young man, just inspired by his journal. Thanks 'halfbeast' for sharing your talent and artistic spirit...it's all good!
- posted by mikey046 @ 10:43 PM