FINISH LINE IN SIGHT
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Started my day as usual with a walk to the bird and squirrel feeder to replenish their food. Sat and watched my wild feathered and furry friends eat and then came back to the house. Had the sluggish feeling all morning so got the dishes washed and next thing I know it's time to get ready for a Dr. appointment. Soon I'm at the Dr.'s (my Neurologist) to review the MRI findings. A couple of disc buldges, splinters blah, blah and a name to a pain management Dr. Oh, and some blood test just before heading home... Rested a bit and the phone rang so when I answered it was the Dr.'s wanting me to comeback and redo the blood test. The first blood taken was put in the wrong viles. Figured it's all important and stuff so I rested and made my way back to the Dr.'s gave the blood when I got home I hit the bed and slept for about an hour. Got up, went to the mailbox hoping for goodnews and found the car payment past due notice and another past due notice and a few pieces of junk mail. So my moment of hope and anticipation went to a "how the hell I'm I going to survive this?" Thinking back that March thru April my earnings had dropped to almost nothing and from June until the present I've had no income what so ever.... Every bill is late and there's nothing I can do except wait for diabilty from SSA. The Occupational Illness claim is being stalled by the comany's insurance carrier so that could take a year. The vision of living in my home with no electric, phone and without transportation is more vivid. Such a huge change and the final blow of course will be the mortgage foreclosure summons. Where will I live and what will I do? So today is a bummer day, no silver lining is obvious yet I walk in faith something good will happen or come in time.... If not, there's a better place waiting in the transformation of this life into another .....in the twinkling of an eye it will one day happen. Love and peace to all!
Monday, September 29, 2003
Wow people, where does the time go? Not much new really, however SSA is scheduling another test for me to go to called a DLCO Test! Don't know if it's a good thing or not regarding my disability claim, but at least it gives me some hope. Earlier this week I called the local SSA Office and Florida's Children & Family Services regarding help for the elec and ph bill just while the SSA folks continue to probe my claim and me for disability. Well finally they came right out and told me, it doesn't matter for an adult single man with no income as they don't offer any benefit to such. However if I had a dependent or child there are cash benefits... So I guess the theory is, if your an adult and single it doesn't matter if your living without elec and phone or those personal items such as toothpaste and soap or shaving cream and razors. I just don't understand it to tell the truth and feel so isolated, left out and discriminated against in this process. As I said, last week I'm not going to let it get me down as the disease I have does that enough on it's own. Did have some good news that helped me get through another month connected to the internet. It's really much more to me than just a connection a web surf. It's life because when nobody's around or I'm scared, I can get online and find something or somebody to take my mind off the bad stuff that's going on. Or look at my digital photo's online or let loose and write here!!! To tell the truth, a room a bed and a pc with an ISP is enough to make me content at this stage... oh some electricity too! You know what I mean? But none the less it's been one scarey 6 months for me. Not the disease or worry about dying, but the waiting for SSA and knowing everything like home, car and belongings are a moment away from being gone. Fear of homelessness or not getting an inhaler or other meds. Just total chaos goes through my mind now on a daily basis. When my sisters or friends feel it necessary to send money it breaks my heart, because for the most part they can't afford to carry me. It means their suffering or doing without to help out. It's wonderful to know and receive such, but painful just the same. I've done life on my own without much help at all since my 17th birthday. The 'good' in this is that people do care and that's good to see, because sometimes it doesn't feel that way... Posted some new photo's, nothing great mind you...just fun and a joy posting to share. Click here to see if you'd like.
Saturday, September 20, 2003
Ok lovely people, I'm going to get through all this somehow. I'm going to find a happy way to end this life before passing into another one. I'm sorry my post have been down and negative. But, when insurance companies trick and screw you, and our health and diability help systems take so very long while the few things you have are about to be taken away it's hard to stay positive. Oh, not forgetting what got me here, the Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and Emphysema that can take the energy from you without warning while leaving you weak, unable to breath and hitting that wall of just not being able to think or move or function! Together you, me and my BlogSpot, will make it GOOD! Maybe some really good news will arrive by Monday and if not, I'll be in better spirits.........promise!!! Hugs, love and peace to all.......
mikewage@hotmail.com
In spite of being on life's low and sick side, posting my email address here has done little good except bring my inbox
new spam. Stupid shit like penis enlargement ads, breast ads, oh and loan and credit repair ads... how sick, how cold, how cruel and selfish. Rather find a kind word, a poem or better yet, instead of spam email send me something I can use like a penny or two, who knows, if I get enough of them I can pay my way out of this mess. Or better still please send that insurance co. that denied my disability benefits cause they found I did see a Dr. during the6 months prior to buying the car. So they say, I don't remember it??? Still if what they say is true, dates and all it wasn't a disability nor did it stop my work. It was the COPD/Emphysema and that's what I place my claim to them under...... so write them instead of sending me spam. Tell them what they did sucks and rings loudly of an intentional clause that allows them to deny benefits to about 90% of all claimants. Those who are denied MOST are the little guys and gals who can't afford the big attorneys or to sick to fight them. Oh here's the address again.
RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY.
P.O. BOX 191248
DALLAS, TEXAS 75219
1 800 621-2101
This co. is dirty in my opinion and the odds are stacked big time against making a claim stick with this co and their clever clauses. How many men 45 and older don't see a Dr. 1 or 2 times per year....ooops that could be a denial because RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE, CO. may just say, "sorry under the certificate clause you signed you stated you were in perfect health and haven't been under or seen ANY Dr. or been TREATED by ANY DR. etc.!!!!!!!" Back, heart, blood pressure, etc. all fall under the ANY ILLNESS AND/OR ANY TREATMENT AND/OR AS SEEN BY A PHYSICIAN. Write or call this co. and ask them how that clause works really????????
mikewage@hotmail.com
Friday, September 19, 2003
mikewage@hotmail.com It's all starting to feel hopeless... My home is in forecloseure, the disability benefits on my auto loan denied, my electric and phone bills arrived with suspension and disconnection of service came today in the mail. I've heard nothing from SSI, SSA who I so much had hoped would have helped. Nothing! I read bio's of others with COPD and Emphysema and realize there's not a whole lot to live for... just a life of limitations and breathlessness. I won't have the energy to fight my way through these systems again. I won't even try! So knowing I can't do much of anything to earn a living what's left to do? What's left to look forward too? So at 46 years old, I don't see any "golden years" ahead. Don't see many years of anykind ahead. For tonight, I just want to drink from this bottle of Red Wine I've been saving for a few years now and forget about the day, the system that's not helping and taking forever and get shit faced all by myself. I can't sleep so maybe a big glasses of this wine will help....yes, I'm feeling sorry for my sorry self. I worked hard for over thirty years and now everybody and everything is almost gone with nowhere to go except down!!! No home, no car, no money, and a whole lot of energy and time wasted on trying to get help through our Social Security System which I'm proud to say I paid taxes on every year since 1973: A thought for you young folks, please save and invest some of your earnings and never, never believe the so called system to help the disabled will be there for you. Even if it is, you may die before they can make a decision that will help you continue your life with some dignity and independance.... Sorry, feeling down today in the worst way....not feeling to good about the future or the journey ahead! Thanks for reading this...your a brave soul if you do...
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
I talked to the attorney today about about the Occupational Illness. We have our upcoming court date for mediation. I wanted to know where I stood and what to expect. Nothing comforting was talked about. My employer has never sent me the MSDS copies requested or did they send a handbook of policies and proceedures as required by the State of Florida law. What was more disappointing was the law offices hadn't reviewed the part about what to ask for regarding working conditions and environments for my disease. I can't weld or be in chemical and fume environments anymore. Can't cut and fabricate steels for the mill with the torch or work out in the plant. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but it seems to me the lawyers should know what my needs are so they can discuss what I can do and where I can do it if physically possible. The air quality and working environment is so important for me and what's left of my lungs. I do know my employer has unlimited resources and doesn't want me to win a thing for it will open doors for others who suffer from lung disorders from the working environment. The co. already has been paying out money for Asbestos Claims and fights those through their insurance companies. Two of my co-workers have breathing disorders. 1. has chronic bronchitis and he's a non-smoker. The other is on oxygen for a sleep disorder which is caused by abnormal breathing when sleeping, also a non-smoker. Our plant has several cases of skin cancers as well and yet another worker with chronic bronchitis who did smoke but quit. And my mentor Harvey of course died with lung disease about 2 years ago!!! My lawyers have yet to gather anything in these area's with our court date set for October. My health limits my activities greatly, but somehow I'll have to obtain some of this information on my own and have it ready. I need to study OSHA Policies, Florida Workers Comp Policies, find a way to get my photo's developed (don't have any money for inks and papers or shop developement!), and get the names of other sick employee's along with their physician's names for using test results if it's ok with the employees. The employee's aren't going to want to do that for fear of co. reaction! Obviously I have to find the strength and energy to do my own work if I can... Pawn some stuff for getting around and getting the documents ready. Then maybe I can relax... Maybe now I can go back to sleep after talking to you......whomever you may be??? Advice, help, contributions will be humbly accepted with open arms. Send your thoughts and idea's! Email me Michael at mikewage@hotmail.com
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
......back from the SSA scheduled breathing test and totally exhausted from huffing and puffing six times into the tube pipe that's connected to a machine. Results, my lungs at an actual 46 years of age are in the condition of an 88 year olds before using my prescription inhaler. Lung function improved almost 70% after using the inhaler...so my physician has been on the right track with a good diagnoses from the start. NOW, how Social Security Medical Teams read all this info in regards to my being disabled is another story. Yet another waiting period and it will be ironic if SSA says I'm not disabled and the insurance co. named below says I was to sick a year or so ago to insure.......what's up with this world?????? I hope and pray for SSA to approve my claim and disabled status so I can move out of this emotional hell I'm in. The waiting, feeling weak and ill while trying to hold it all together is getting harder. My faith is still strong but it's so easy to wonder if the battles will be worth fighting much longer... there just comes a time to give into these folks who care little more about me than a pepple on a side walk. All rather depressing today!!! Love and peace to you all..............
FOR THE RECORD THE INSURANCE CO. THAT I MENTIONED BELOW IS;
RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY.
P.O. BOX 191248
DALLAS, TEXAS 75219
1 800 621-2101
Anybody who likes to send opinion mail or something in my and/or others behalf (Michael Wage Case #C03604925), or just likes to mail a bad insurance company your thoughts.... feel free to do so!!! I'd greatly appreciate it!!!
For you readers, please always read carefully the tiny print and don't do like me, get all excited about your first new car and rush into signing the papers so you can drive the shinny car home feeling proud and safe. Oh, the Kia Rio has been one GREAT little car. Not one problem and my only complaint is a bit low on power up hills. But the newer models have more horsepower so I'd say the Rio is one of the best value's on the market. I'll miss mine that's for sure.... Seriously, if your good at writing co. letters and like to bite a bit use the address above. It would be nice to know the insurance co. heard from others besides just me!!! I'm alone and of course financially broke so have no resources to fight against these things... I really don't think anybody reads my stuff so I'm not worried... Love and peace to all (except greedy insurance companies!)...
Up early this a.m. knowing I need to gather my medications list and symptoms notes for the SSA appointed Dr. I see this afternoon. I'm thanking God that my car wasn't repo'd yet with Resourse Life Insurance, Co stopping those ever so important disability car loan payments. That little clause in the contract that you sign may read like mine so be careful if you buy added insurance for your new car. A little history on that.... In April of 2002 I bought my very first new car. A 2002 Kia Rio to be exact! Well during the talks with the sales folks in financing I heard the monthly payment figures included extended warranty and disability insurance. I thought it was cool cause if I broke a leg or arm; or even developed cancer of something the car payments would be made. Well a little over a year after signing all the papers for my then new Kia, I applied for the disability insurance and they make a good faith payment and another while they did their investigation. I knew I had Emphysema and told it was disabilitating and qualified. Well somewhere in 2001 I saw another Dr. for some back pain and had a buldging disc and diagnosed with this and a neuropathy. I kept working and so very used to back and muscle pains in my work I never paid attention or asked much. Took some meds and just off and back to work. Finally we get close to the end of this story... I get a letter for Resource Life Insurance a Disability Policy for continuation of loan payments....and the letter reads the insurance is recinded and the small dollar amount about the 2 good faith payments vs. my premiums payed in was applied to the car loan co. In otherwords cancel and your on your own... That clause stated if you had and disease or illness and/or been under the care of any physician, and/or hosipital or mental institution the insurance would be useless!!! So my friend, if you buy a new car and the sales person tacks on an insurance policy telling you that "your car loan will be paid off should you become sick or ill, etc.!" DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! Use the money towards the car loan payments instead. First of all, how many 46 year old men haven't seen a Dr. in any 6 month period if for nothing less than a flu shot, or routine check??? How many 46 year old men don't take "any" medication or have some little medical ailment??? Some, but not a whole lot. Any of these things gives Resource Life Insurance the easy DROP YOU AND YOU PROTECTION OUT THE WINDOW! ...Yes, I'm upset and hurt and stupid me should have read and had a lawyer look at the clause in the tiny writing on that contrack. Kick myself in the ass! So now, I've lost my job, lost the ability to work in any normal capacity, and watched my good credit standing go down the tubes while fearing anyday now my home and car are going to be taken away. No lie, I worked really hard and long just to have a small frame house and Kia Rio in my life....very long and hard! Kick myself in the ass again, cause I smoked cigarettes and always had them with hot coffee. Two of my favorite things... One of those 2 favorite things has hit me and knocked me down to where I may never get back up.
Monday, September 15, 2003
You can see my photo's...all novice stuff, but my love just the same. Click Here! Oh, you'll need to have an msn passport I believe? Maybe not, not sure how that works........ Come see the photo's if you can....
Tomorrows my big day with the SSA appointed physician for a breathing test. That should confirm the Pulmonary Function Test my physician did last Oct. Well, I went to our local beach to take some photo's and will be posting them on my msn community page. My joy is taking digital photo's...think I've repeated that a few times now....but I do love it. I needed to get away from the house and the ocean still comforts and brings me peace so off I went. Went into the water but for the first time in my life didn't go swimming out of fear of becoming short of breath or hitting the "no energy wall!" Yes, I love to body surf, swim and just about anything in the water. Almost went for broke and wanted to so bad, but memories of not being able to breath and anxiety attacks plus hitting the wall out weighed my love and desire for the thrill. I almost cried as it was such a conflict of emotions...the "just do it" vs. "don't do it!" Giving up so much of me to this disease is the hardest part I think. I can struggle through the rough breathing, the panic or anxiety, the fatigue, the caughing, and pain in the chest....but wanting to do those activities that have been a big part of my life for so long is tough. Besides that, I've always loved what I did and not one for change, simple because I was fulfilled with the choices I made. Oh well, enough wimpering for tonight....feel better now...laugh!!! God bless my family and friends who try so hard to help me....love you all!!! I'm off to bed and will post the url to my photo's soon....promise!!!
Good night all!
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Oh people, this is one hell of a tough journey and experience for me. I was feeling so weak and light headed that I got very little accomplished while feeling less and less independent with each passing week. God has blessed me with 2 sisters who have tried to help by sending me money while waiting for the institutions to agree with my physicians and test results. Of course and understandably the Social Security routine is to verify all with their Dr.'s and test. Seems like an eternity in waiting. Not all bad....the food stamps keep food on the table and thus far my electric and phone are still on...so thank God for that! My arms and legs felt extremely heavy and almost not movable while feeling so f_ _ _ing tired. Three good friends have sent some encouraging words and support...and it's those little special things that keep my chin up! Thanks, Edie, Bill and Brian! One week from today I go to the SSA Physician for a breathing or lung function test. Can't wait to get that over with!!! I've found it best to isolate myself and not complain to my family and friends because it's just not fair to them and I don't want them to watch me decline physically. Much better for them to remember the lively me of a year or so ago! The same makes sense for pursuing romance, just not fair to even attempt such a thing under the circumstances! So, little by little I'm pulling away from people contacts letting myself fade quietly in my own way. Truth be known, it's very hard not to cry out for help in a supportive hug and ear for listening. That's what my blog is for!!! I can cry silently while waiting to see where this path leads me... Now I'm ready to fall out of this chair so time for bed.....goodnight world!!!
