FINISH LINE IN SIGHT

2003-10-02T12:50:00.000-04:00

It's just past noon time and I've replied to emails and sent a few photo's to a cousin in NY. Fed the birds & squirrels outback and fixed 2 eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast. Need to write a llst of priorities and get it done before I turn in my car to the bank. Still no funds and I won't ask to borrow from family or friends as they already been wonderful to help me with the electric, phone, and printer ink and paper for the upcoming occupational illness claim. They have bills and enough is enough. Bottled water, food and whatever else I can think of today that will help me go without transportation. Feel like a soldier who's digging in and waiting for the enemy to surface or make the first offensive move. With bad health and the falling of those comforts many take for granted, I can only wait on SSA now to see how bad thing will get before they get better... Will be writing again soon. Love and peace to all.

2003-10-01T05:28:00.000-04:00

Waking up early with reeling thoughts of what familiar comfort will vanish next? My car, the electric, phone or my home of 20 years? I stayed up late trying to put thoughts into order to write a letter to an attorney about rescinded disability insurance on the auto loan (see 9/20/03 entry!). Won't do any good in time, but at least I stated my point of view to somebody. So lets see.... Auto Payments 2 months behind, same with phone. Mortgage about that or more, and elec is one month behind or about $1,600 in the negative while waiting for medical evaluation from SSA to complete. About 114 days of waiting to date on the medical review since SSA received my claim form. No income for approx. 120 days! Can't neglect mention of $130.00 dollars of medical co-pays and doing without 1/2 of the meds due to the cost of my co-pays. Again, the Occupational Illness Claim is the only thing that's even kept me in a position to receive medical care where waiting for SSA Dsiability. Things would be much worse by now if that claim and the company's attorney wanting to go the distance allowed by Florida Comp Law for investigation which gives 120 days for this plus some extra time if the court has to schedule a mediation. Of course this also drags out the co. paying the 66 2/3 % of lost wage earning too. So strange for my mind to stay so busy bothering remembering it all. The body is so exhausted and tires so fast! Soon the mind will follow when it realizes there's little usefulness in fighting the system. I still suspect the car will go back to the dealer, no time, energy or money to battle Resource Life on the issue. The phone and elec will eventually be cut off and SSA will as common practice deny my claim forcing the extra time of my appeal... I have no choices but to wait and continue praying for a little luck or handout along this journey. I remain humbled by family and friends who've tried to help... Another clearing of thoughts in my blog spot! Love and peace to all....

2003-09-30T19:10:00.000-04:00

Started my day as usual with a walk to the bird and squirrel feeder to replenish their food. Sat and watched my wild feathered and furry friends eat and then came back to the house. Had the sluggish feeling all morning so got the dishes washed and next thing I know it's time to get ready for a Dr. appointment. Soon I'm at the Dr.'s (my Neurologist) to review the MRI findings. A couple of disc buldges, splinters blah, blah and a name to a pain management Dr. Oh, and some blood test just before heading home... Rested a bit and the phone rang so when I answered it was the Dr.'s wanting me to comeback and redo the blood test. The first blood taken was put in the wrong viles. Figured it's all important and stuff so I rested and made my way back to the Dr.'s gave the blood when I got home I hit the bed and slept for about an hour. Got up, went to the mailbox hoping for goodnews and found the car payment past due notice and another past due notice and a few pieces of junk mail. So my moment of hope and anticipation went to a "how the hell I'm I going to survive this?" Thinking back that March thru April my earnings had dropped to almost nothing and from June until the present I've had no income what so ever.... Every bill is late and there's nothing I can do except wait for diabilty from SSA. The Occupational Illness claim is being stalled by the comany's insurance carrier so that could take a year. The vision of living in my home with no electric, phone and without transportation is more vivid. Such a huge change and the final blow of course will be the mortgage foreclosure summons. Where will I live and what will I do? So today is a bummer day, no silver lining is obvious yet I walk in faith something good will happen or come in time.... If not, there's a better place waiting in the transformation of this life into another .....in the twinkling of an eye it will one day happen. Love and peace to all!

2003-09-29T23:15:00.000-04:00

Wow people, where does the time go? Not much new really, however SSA is scheduling another test for me to go to called a DLCO Test! Don't know if it's a good thing or not regarding my disability claim, but at least it gives me some hope. Earlier this week I called the local SSA Office and Florida's Children & Family Services regarding help for the elec and ph bill just while the SSA folks continue to probe my claim and me for disability. Well finally they came right out and told me, it doesn't matter for an adult single man with no income as they don't offer any benefit to such. However if I had a dependent or child there are cash benefits... So I guess the theory is, if your an adult and single it doesn't matter if your living without elec and phone or those personal items such as toothpaste and soap or shaving cream and razors. I just don't understand it to tell the truth and feel so isolated, left out and discriminated against in this process. As I said, last week I'm not going to let it get me down as the disease I have does that enough on it's own. Did have some good news that helped me get through another month connected to the internet. It's really much more to me than just a connection a web surf. It's life because when nobody's around or I'm scared, I can get online and find something or somebody to take my mind off the bad stuff that's going on. Or look at my digital photo's online or let loose and write here!!! To tell the truth, a room a bed and a pc with an ISP is enough to make me content at this stage... oh some electricity too! You know what I mean? But none the less it's been one scarey 6 months for me. Not the disease or worry about dying, but the waiting for SSA and knowing everything like home, car and belongings are a moment away from being gone. Fear of homelessness or not getting an inhaler or other meds. Just total chaos goes through my mind now on a daily basis. When my sisters or friends feel it necessary to send money it breaks my heart, because for the most part they can't afford to carry me. It means their suffering or doing without to help out. It's wonderful to know and receive such, but painful just the same. I've done life on my own without much help at all since my 17th birthday. The 'good' in this is that people do care and that's good to see, because sometimes it doesn't feel that way... Posted some new photo's, nothing great mind you...just fun and a joy posting to share. Click here to see if you'd like.

2003-09-20T22:15:00.000-04:00

Ok lovely people, I'm going to get through all this somehow. I'm going to find a happy way to end this life before passing into another one. I'm sorry my post have been down and negative. But, when insurance companies trick and screw you, and our health and diability help systems take so very long while the few things you have are about to be taken away it's hard to stay positive. Oh, not forgetting what got me here, the Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease and Emphysema that can take the energy from you without warning while leaving you weak, unable to breath and hitting that wall of just not being able to think or move or function! Together you, me and my BlogSpot, will make it GOOD! Maybe some really good news will arrive by Monday and if not, I'll be in better spirits.........promise!!! Hugs, love and peace to all.......

mikewage@hotmail.com

2003-09-20T22:06:00.000-04:00

In spite of being on life's low and sick side, posting my email address here has done little good except bring my inbox
new spam. Stupid shit like penis enlargement ads, breast ads, oh and loan and credit repair ads... how sick, how cold, how cruel and selfish. Rather find a kind word, a poem or better yet, instead of spam email send me something I can use like a penny or two, who knows, if I get enough of them I can pay my way out of this mess. Or better still please send that insurance co. that denied my disability benefits cause they found I did see a Dr. during the6 months prior to buying the car. So they say, I don't remember it??? Still if what they say is true, dates and all it wasn't a disability nor did it stop my work. It was the COPD/Emphysema and that's what I place my claim to them under...... so write them instead of sending me spam. Tell them what they did sucks and rings loudly of an intentional clause that allows them to deny benefits to about 90% of all claimants. Those who are denied MOST are the little guys and gals who can't afford the big attorneys or to sick to fight them. Oh here's the address again.
RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY.
P.O. BOX 191248
DALLAS, TEXAS 75219
1 800 621-2101
This co. is dirty in my opinion and the odds are stacked big time against making a claim stick with this co and their clever clauses. How many men 45 and older don't see a Dr. 1 or 2 times per year....ooops that could be a denial because RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE, CO. may just say, "sorry under the certificate clause you signed you stated you were in perfect health and haven't been under or seen ANY Dr. or been TREATED by ANY DR. etc.!!!!!!!" Back, heart, blood pressure, etc. all fall under the ANY ILLNESS AND/OR ANY TREATMENT AND/OR AS SEEN BY A PHYSICIAN. Write or call this co. and ask them how that clause works really????????
mikewage@hotmail.com

2003-09-19T22:44:00.000-04:00

mikewage@hotmail.com It's all starting to feel hopeless... My home is in forecloseure, the disability benefits on my auto loan denied, my electric and phone bills arrived with suspension and disconnection of service came today in the mail. I've heard nothing from SSI, SSA who I so much had hoped would have helped. Nothing! I read bio's of others with COPD and Emphysema and realize there's not a whole lot to live for... just a life of limitations and breathlessness. I won't have the energy to fight my way through these systems again. I won't even try! So knowing I can't do much of anything to earn a living what's left to do? What's left to look forward too? So at 46 years old, I don't see any "golden years" ahead. Don't see many years of anykind ahead. For tonight, I just want to drink from this bottle of Red Wine I've been saving for a few years now and forget about the day, the system that's not helping and taking forever and get shit faced all by myself. I can't sleep so maybe a big glasses of this wine will help....yes, I'm feeling sorry for my sorry self. I worked hard for over thirty years and now everybody and everything is almost gone with nowhere to go except down!!! No home, no car, no money, and a whole lot of energy and time wasted on trying to get help through our Social Security System which I'm proud to say I paid taxes on every year since 1973: A thought for you young folks, please save and invest some of your earnings and never, never believe the so called system to help the disabled will be there for you. Even if it is, you may die before they can make a decision that will help you continue your life with some dignity and independance.... Sorry, feeling down today in the worst way....not feeling to good about the future or the journey ahead! Thanks for reading this...your a brave soul if you do...

2003-09-17T03:01:00.000-04:00

I talked to the attorney today about about the Occupational Illness. We have our upcoming court date for mediation. I wanted to know where I stood and what to expect. Nothing comforting was talked about. My employer has never sent me the MSDS copies requested or did they send a handbook of policies and proceedures as required by the State of Florida law. What was more disappointing was the law offices hadn't reviewed the part about what to ask for regarding working conditions and environments for my disease. I can't weld or be in chemical and fume environments anymore. Can't cut and fabricate steels for the mill with the torch or work out in the plant. Maybe I'm just over reacting, but it seems to me the lawyers should know what my needs are so they can discuss what I can do and where I can do it if physically possible. The air quality and working environment is so important for me and what's left of my lungs. I do know my employer has unlimited resources and doesn't want me to win a thing for it will open doors for others who suffer from lung disorders from the working environment. The co. already has been paying out money for Asbestos Claims and fights those through their insurance companies. Two of my co-workers have breathing disorders. 1. has chronic bronchitis and he's a non-smoker. The other is on oxygen for a sleep disorder which is caused by abnormal breathing when sleeping, also a non-smoker. Our plant has several cases of skin cancers as well and yet another worker with chronic bronchitis who did smoke but quit. And my mentor Harvey of course died with lung disease about 2 years ago!!! My lawyers have yet to gather anything in these area's with our court date set for October. My health limits my activities greatly, but somehow I'll have to obtain some of this information on my own and have it ready. I need to study OSHA Policies, Florida Workers Comp Policies, find a way to get my photo's developed (don't have any money for inks and papers or shop developement!), and get the names of other sick employee's along with their physician's names for using test results if it's ok with the employees. The employee's aren't going to want to do that for fear of co. reaction! Obviously I have to find the strength and energy to do my own work if I can... Pawn some stuff for getting around and getting the documents ready. Then maybe I can relax... Maybe now I can go back to sleep after talking to you......whomever you may be??? Advice, help, contributions will be humbly accepted with open arms. Send your thoughts and idea's! Email me Michael at mikewage@hotmail.com

2003-09-16T13:06:00.000-04:00

......back from the SSA scheduled breathing test and totally exhausted from huffing and puffing six times into the tube pipe that's connected to a machine. Results, my lungs at an actual 46 years of age are in the condition of an 88 year olds before using my prescription inhaler. Lung function improved almost 70% after using the inhaler...so my physician has been on the right track with a good diagnoses from the start. NOW, how Social Security Medical Teams read all this info in regards to my being disabled is another story. Yet another waiting period and it will be ironic if SSA says I'm not disabled and the insurance co. named below says I was to sick a year or so ago to insure.......what's up with this world?????? I hope and pray for SSA to approve my claim and disabled status so I can move out of this emotional hell I'm in. The waiting, feeling weak and ill while trying to hold it all together is getting harder. My faith is still strong but it's so easy to wonder if the battles will be worth fighting much longer... there just comes a time to give into these folks who care little more about me than a pepple on a side walk. All rather depressing today!!! Love and peace to you all..............

2003-09-16T08:34:00.000-04:00

FOR THE RECORD THE INSURANCE CO. THAT I MENTIONED BELOW IS;

RESOURCE LIFE INSURANCE COMPANY.
P.O. BOX 191248
DALLAS, TEXAS 75219
1 800 621-2101

Anybody who likes to send opinion mail or something in my and/or others behalf (Michael Wage Case #C03604925), or just likes to mail a bad insurance company your thoughts.... feel free to do so!!! I'd greatly appreciate it!!!

For you readers, please always read carefully the tiny print and don't do like me, get all excited about your first new car and rush into signing the papers so you can drive the shinny car home feeling proud and safe. Oh, the Kia Rio has been one GREAT little car. Not one problem and my only complaint is a bit low on power up hills. But the newer models have more horsepower so I'd say the Rio is one of the best value's on the market. I'll miss mine that's for sure.... Seriously, if your good at writing co. letters and like to bite a bit use the address above. It would be nice to know the insurance co. heard from others besides just me!!! I'm alone and of course financially broke so have no resources to fight against these things... I really don't think anybody reads my stuff so I'm not worried... Love and peace to all (except greedy insurance companies!)...

2003-09-16T08:21:00.000-04:00

Up early this a.m. knowing I need to gather my medications list and symptoms notes for the SSA appointed Dr. I see this afternoon. I'm thanking God that my car wasn't repo'd yet with Resourse Life Insurance, Co stopping those ever so important disability car loan payments. That little clause in the contract that you sign may read like mine so be careful if you buy added insurance for your new car. A little history on that.... In April of 2002 I bought my very first new car. A 2002 Kia Rio to be exact! Well during the talks with the sales folks in financing I heard the monthly payment figures included extended warranty and disability insurance. I thought it was cool cause if I broke a leg or arm; or even developed cancer of something the car payments would be made. Well a little over a year after signing all the papers for my then new Kia, I applied for the disability insurance and they make a good faith payment and another while they did their investigation. I knew I had Emphysema and told it was disabilitating and qualified. Well somewhere in 2001 I saw another Dr. for some back pain and had a buldging disc and diagnosed with this and a neuropathy. I kept working and so very used to back and muscle pains in my work I never paid attention or asked much. Took some meds and just off and back to work. Finally we get close to the end of this story... I get a letter for Resource Life Insurance a Disability Policy for continuation of loan payments....and the letter reads the insurance is recinded and the small dollar amount about the 2 good faith payments vs. my premiums payed in was applied to the car loan co. In otherwords cancel and your on your own... That clause stated if you had and disease or illness and/or been under the care of any physician, and/or hosipital or mental institution the insurance would be useless!!! So my friend, if you buy a new car and the sales person tacks on an insurance policy telling you that "your car loan will be paid off should you become sick or ill, etc.!" DON'T BELIEVE IT!!! Use the money towards the car loan payments instead. First of all, how many 46 year old men haven't seen a Dr. in any 6 month period if for nothing less than a flu shot, or routine check??? How many 46 year old men don't take "any" medication or have some little medical ailment??? Some, but not a whole lot. Any of these things gives Resource Life Insurance the easy DROP YOU AND YOU PROTECTION OUT THE WINDOW! ...Yes, I'm upset and hurt and stupid me should have read and had a lawyer look at the clause in the tiny writing on that contrack. Kick myself in the ass! So now, I've lost my job, lost the ability to work in any normal capacity, and watched my good credit standing go down the tubes while fearing anyday now my home and car are going to be taken away. No lie, I worked really hard and long just to have a small frame house and Kia Rio in my life....very long and hard! Kick myself in the ass again, cause I smoked cigarettes and always had them with hot coffee. Two of my favorite things... One of those 2 favorite things has hit me and knocked me down to where I may never get back up.

2003-09-15T22:56:00.000-04:00

You can see my photo's...all novice stuff, but my love just the same. Click Here! Oh, you'll need to have an msn passport I believe? Maybe not, not sure how that works........ Come see the photo's if you can....

2003-09-15T22:17:00.000-04:00

Tomorrows my big day with the SSA appointed physician for a breathing test. That should confirm the Pulmonary Function Test my physician did last Oct. Well, I went to our local beach to take some photo's and will be posting them on my msn community page. My joy is taking digital photo's...think I've repeated that a few times now....but I do love it. I needed to get away from the house and the ocean still comforts and brings me peace so off I went. Went into the water but for the first time in my life didn't go swimming out of fear of becoming short of breath or hitting the "no energy wall!" Yes, I love to body surf, swim and just about anything in the water. Almost went for broke and wanted to so bad, but memories of not being able to breath and anxiety attacks plus hitting the wall out weighed my love and desire for the thrill. I almost cried as it was such a conflict of emotions...the "just do it" vs. "don't do it!" Giving up so much of me to this disease is the hardest part I think. I can struggle through the rough breathing, the panic or anxiety, the fatigue, the caughing, and pain in the chest....but wanting to do those activities that have been a big part of my life for so long is tough. Besides that, I've always loved what I did and not one for change, simple because I was fulfilled with the choices I made. Oh well, enough wimpering for tonight....feel better now...laugh!!! God bless my family and friends who try so hard to help me....love you all!!! I'm off to bed and will post the url to my photo's soon....promise!!!
Good night all!

2003-09-09T22:45:00.000-04:00

Oh people, this is one hell of a tough journey and experience for me. I was feeling so weak and light headed that I got very little accomplished while feeling less and less independent with each passing week. God has blessed me with 2 sisters who have tried to help by sending me money while waiting for the institutions to agree with my physicians and test results. Of course and understandably the Social Security routine is to verify all with their Dr.'s and test. Seems like an eternity in waiting. Not all bad....the food stamps keep food on the table and thus far my electric and phone are still on...so thank God for that! My arms and legs felt extremely heavy and almost not movable while feeling so f_ _ _ing tired. Three good friends have sent some encouraging words and support...and it's those little special things that keep my chin up! Thanks, Edie, Bill and Brian! One week from today I go to the SSA Physician for a breathing or lung function test. Can't wait to get that over with!!! I've found it best to isolate myself and not complain to my family and friends because it's just not fair to them and I don't want them to watch me decline physically. Much better for them to remember the lively me of a year or so ago! The same makes sense for pursuing romance, just not fair to even attempt such a thing under the circumstances! So, little by little I'm pulling away from people contacts letting myself fade quietly in my own way. Truth be known, it's very hard not to cry out for help in a supportive hug and ear for listening. That's what my blog is for!!! I can cry silently while waiting to see where this path leads me... Now I'm ready to fall out of this chair so time for bed.....goodnight world!!!

2003-08-27T06:02:00.000-04:00

Social Security called yesterday and said they want to send me to one of their chosen physician's for a breathing test...finally! Of course, I'm just a number or a claim and the provided test is probably about proving my regular physician's and test weren't good enough so a letter of claim denial can be sent. No word from SSI yet ...but did get that letter from my private disability saying my illnesses where chronic but present when I signed the contract, therefore they may deny. A catch 22 ...one benefit provider is trying to say 'denied' because my diseases aren't severe enough and another is saying the chronic and severe for to long. If I could, I'd run away and tell all these institutions to keep their benefits...but I can't and wouldn't get very far! You work hard, pay taxes feeling comfort in things like Social Security and Health and Disabiliy Insurance only to find when you really need them there's more money spent on finding a way to deny claims and benefits than there is to assist. Can't help but wonder how many others have been through this alone, financially ruined, and sick from life shortening disease's and died before the system offered them the approvals for their claims...how many? How many with Emphysema or Cancer have been postponed or denied before any quality of life was sucked away by time and red tape??? Was the money the State's received from the exceptionally high tobacco taxes used for something other than what we were told??? Was the court settlement on tobacco industries millions paid to the State of Florida for tobacco related illnesses and healthcare spent somewhere else??? It would appear there's an awful lot of tax and court settlement funds that either aren't there or not being used for what the public was told. At least it looks like I won't receive what I and millions of other taxpayers have been paying for and promised. Time will tell...if I live long enough to be an expense and use them. I know, some are thinking because Emphysema is a tobacco related disease it's fair to deny benefits... but truth of many illnesses and diseases that do instantly qualify others, is that they're started from one or more bad life choices. Some from drug abuse, some from alcohol, some from not eating healthy, and so on. I don't drink, don't do drugs, but was a tobacco user who developed Emphysema. Here I am, sick and unable to function with no hopes of that changing. Yet, after working for 30 years finding this huge wall to climb to receive minimal help. Forms and more forms, investigation after investigation and still no approval or deniel after 90 days and counting. I've lived a good clean life other than smoking, worked hard and been there for others while never imagining I'd oneday be asking for help. Hate the idea! For the past year, I not only battle this disease, but continue to battle the systems not for gain, but for continued existance and some independance. That's where I am today and hope to have better things to write about sooooon?

2003-08-26T08:32:00.000-04:00

Starting the day right this a.m. putting the priorities in order and listing them. List of things "to do" are necessary with my disease. I stayed in denial for a long time about the need of doing this task each and everyday. The reason it's necessary is because the lack of oxygen getting in the blood and to the brain several times each day makes processing simple plans and daily routines difficult and even impossible at times. That's if you body doesn't hit the wall from fatigue, again, from poor lung function and oxygen delivery. Today I'm up and about and the energy level is almost always better in the a.m. My emails are read and answered, the birds and squirrels outback are fed and I'm about to complete my "to do" list in a few moments. Sunny SE Florida isn't going to be so sunny for the next week or so. There's lots of tropical weather rolling this way with rain and thunder storm potential. Almost 3 months have passed since my physician placed me short term disability and my filing for Social Security Disability. No word from Social Security or the SSI I just applied for a week or so ago. I'm expecting a very tough month or 2 before I hear anything either way on my claim. May have elec. cut-off next month...no funds to pay bills now. I keep the faith something will give soon? Oh, Sat. I received word the Disability Insurance on my car may stop payments on my car loan. Seems they believe or I'm not entitled to the benefit because I signed the certificate stating I was healthy and didn't have "any illnesses" at signing or the 6 months prior to signing. I was working full time, and although I felt very healthy just over one year ago and didn't know I would have to stop working, they adjust in a letter said they have on file a dispute. Meaning I may have gone to the Dr. for something and it doesn't matter if it was a cold or flu, etc.! If I had "any" illness they won't have to honor my current disability from what the adjuster tells me? So another hurdle gets a bit higher! I'm keeping the faith even though it's not easy. The rest of this year will be about needing help, waiting for help, and taking more losses I think? All so boring to read... but I remind the readers, I'm not a good writer while thinking writing a book and publishing them would be a perfect job now that I can't do physical trade work. Who knows, maybe when the living and benefit issues are settled I can take courses on writing, english and grammer and start a book of some kind.... That would be special!!! Love, peace, health and happiness to the reader!

2003-08-25T07:22:00.000-04:00

The past weekend went well with visit from Sherri (my sister!). She was a big help and got me out of the house which was a nice. We went to the beach Sun. morning and inspite of the storm clouds it was nice. I couldn't walk far along the shore line as we'd done in the past but did walk far enough for my sister to remember how fun it was to treasure hunt for shells. For the first time in our lives, this sibling had to sit on the side line and watch. In years past I always would try to collect more shore line shells and treasures. But enjoyed watching and we both took a few photo's of the beach. On the down side, I wasn't able to prepare or entertain my wonderdul sister or provide much activity because it just wasn't there. Emphysema continues to force change in all I do and/or can't do! For the curious, the disease doesn't just make breathing hard, or is it about coughing a lot. It's about not having energy and even changes how the mind thinks and reacts to everyday task and routines. About giving up independance and letting loved one's see you in a 'new' state of mind, body and spirit. I can still do just enough on most days to hide some of what I've lost to the average observer if I'm not in view to long. But those who know me can see and I hate that. Doing my own thing, my own way, was always a big (maybe the biggest?) part of my identity and it's slowly slipping away! The journey continues though, change continues without waiting......... No word from SSA over the weekend, still waiting and hoping for disability.

2003-08-22T16:53:00.000-04:00

The weekend is here already and I don't have much new news to write about. Thoughts are a bit negative because I received a letter earlier in the week that said the workers comp claim is set for mediation late in October. No word on my applications for disability and SSI yet and I feel drained and haven't done much of anything. No breathing with Anxiety Attacks today and that's good! Well the bank accounts are empty, bills have piled up and if Social Security doesn't approve and/or reply soon I'll be removed from my home of 20 years due to foreclosure. I'm almost out of prescription medication, the electric bill is past due, and my car insurance has been cancelled. So all I can do is wait and pray for one of the agencies to come through soon? I've worked and paid my taxes since 1973 and never dreamed of being unable to work or enjoy day to day life. But here I am, loosing everything I earned and worked for, not working, no income in sight and every bill is long overdue except the phone and ISP. I try to keep my chin up and remain positive, but it's getting more and more difficult everyday. Every help (except our food stamps program!), takes my applications but reminds me they can take at least 120 days to review and investigate my claims. Looks like they will take their maximum and allow me to loose my electric and medications. The occupational illness or workers comp court date is almost the 120 days the law allows the employers insurance to investigate. Social Security is already past 70 days....and I know that doesn't sound like a lot of time, but when your about to loose your home, electric service, car, etc., it's an eternity...for me it means more than I can express here! Not only loss of independance, pride and self-esteem, but loss of the few things in my life that brought me security and comfort of my choosing and hard work. One disease is about to take it all away.......... )-:

2003-08-19T02:54:00.000-04:00

Oops, fell a day behind...to exhausted yesterday to make my thoughts work. Not much done yesterday except the trip to the Dr.'s for an MRI Test. Most of what I wanted to accomplish yesterday waits for today! So maybe today will be one of accomplishment, I hope so, things are falling behind around me and that's not good. Unlike before, there won't be a lasting burst of energy to complete the chores and task around the house, rather the will and desire will be intense in a body that can't follow through. Will have to plan and do little bits and at a pace that doesn't overwelm! I'm just not used to this pacing and doing little bits at a time thing yet. When I get a rare burst of energy I shoot out the gate like a race horse forgetting it's the wrong way to start. I forget that if I don't manage my energy and moments carefully I'll be out of breath, heart racing and unable to do anything... with an Anxiety Attack just waiting to jump in. I must re-learn living and time management. Energy management! It's a bitch, and I see myself as being re-born only to die shortly after learning how to live again...chaotic state of mind today! I'll find the good in it along the way.......

2003-08-17T05:12:00.000-04:00

Now I'm actually writing the sameday as I'm posting....finally catching up! Not that anyone is reading or understanding what the hell I'm talking about in these odd things. Guess it's more about venting and feeling it will be a good read for somebody, somewhere, sometime??? Does feel good to write and express none the less although I wish I had the writing skills to express much better with fewer words. I read other post and journals and admire authors who can get their points and expressions through so wonderfully in words. It's a 'fine art' and nothing short of a gift just like an oil painter who creates and speaks through his paintings!!! I woke up early this a.m. caughing, caughing, caughing! So, when it stopped and I caught my breath, I decided to check my emails. None but the usual spam for 'breast enlargement' and 'stay harder longer' ads. Oh, and a few spams for getting out of debt easily....yeah, right...laugh, that's funny for me to read!!! Lets see for today, it's mow grass, organize papers and bills, pick a small sect. of house to clean and watch some TV tonight. Check emails and try to plan enough rest periods so I can finish my "To Do" list for the day. Try to avoid caughing, panic and/or anxiety attacks and hope all gets done on the list.... Oh, and feed and watch the birds and squirrels outback, which is really my private prayer sanctuary (don't tell anybody!)... You have a great day and enjoy the simple things in life that are always all around you.............!

2003-08-17T04:56:00.000-04:00

Saturday afternoon two wonderful guys from work stopped in and cheered me up. We talked and it felt good see special people I knew instead of unknown case and social workers... which has been my primary people contact for the past several months. Oh, and lots of Dr.'s and medical folks for on going testing. The combination of COPD/Emphysema robs the bodies energy, so some of us don't like being in the public eye, it's no fun having folks see us coughing, having anxiety attacks or going through periods of not being able to breath and function normally. Personally, I've isolated myself and environment to a very few. Those include my beautiful sisters and a very few friends. If my disease gets any worse I won't want them seeing me either, preferring everybody I care about remembering me as the lively person I once was!!! Some say I'm selfish, but I don't agree, realizing the memories do stay with us.... and leaving good memories (to me!), is far better. The ability share in a give and take relationship on any equal level is almost gone.... so for me, these would be my 'taking' and not being able to give back. That's just not me and I honestly hate not being able to give back the way I used too!!! I wanted to mow some more of the yard, but my body said NO. So will try to make that a priority for Sunday, oh hell, I need to write that on my "To Do" list or I might forget! That's the other thing this disease does to some of us. Makes normal things like remembering simple task a greater task because you just can't remember. Why? First, I suppose, it's from the lack of oxygen in the blood getting to the brain efficiently. Second, all those little task take longer and seemingly more effort so for me, daily routine gets frustrating and confusing as a result. **Best of Saturday - Friends stopping in and watching the birds and squirrels at the feeder, reading and writing emails from cyber-friends. Worst of Saturday - didn't get much done around my house and felt depressed my home doesn't look or feel as it did before the disease for quest. It's now a self serve home for quest and visitors...a totally different approach I didn't expect or want!!!

2003-08-16T08:18:00.000-04:00

Thursday I gathered papers to renew Food Stamp help and was approved, I'm thankful for that. The office was almost empty when I arrived....a first! New case worker was a young lady who was very nice. When I left for home I had some energy left so made my way to our local Social Security Office and finally filed for the SSI. Have tried before but the crowds made the wait to long for me. Last time I tried (about a week earlier!), I had a panic attack while sitting in the waiting room (was elbow to elbow people!). Some people were sick and caughing; kids were running about with their parent(s) yelling for them to 'sit down' or 'be quiet' which wasn't going to happen.... Anyway I felt my chest tighten up and breathing was getting difficult. Like sucking a very thick milkshake through a straw! I started to loose my thoughts and the arms and legs felt like they had steel weights attached...had to get out to my car. I did, and puffed my inhaler, rested and before beginning the drive home said a prayer. That 7 or 8 mile journey felt like 100 as the mind and body just weren't working together. Every stop sign and traffic light was like a hurdle, I just knew I needed to get home. Have this awful fear of dying in a public place! That was last week, this week at the SSA Office I made it with just a few physical hardships but it's done... That was a big hurdle for this new existance! First, I didn't want to ask for help and second, the forms and questions make you feel scared and worried because somethings you just can't remember(?) and if you read the warnings on each form, sounds as if you make any mistakes you'll be carted off to prison or some other awful place. When you sign a form in the welfare office the next thing you'll hear, is "...ok, we'll call you after we investigate your claim!" Everything is about investigating, verifying and a great energy exist in some to prove you don't need the help! Some will go as far as taking your photographs in the office, outdoors and God forbid if your out and about. So everything you do you can't help but worry about somebody watching.... I do mind this, just because I fear the abuse of a photo or video clip by an investagator who I'm sure is trained and told it's "a good thing" to catch people doing something that may deny a claim!!! Ok, on to Friday, I did mow some of my yard, the grass was getting thick and tall. Can't afford the city fines or to hire somebody to do it for me. Just mowed a little, not much just what my lungs would allow, about 15 minutes worth with a needed rest brake. Another 5 minutes or maybe 6 and I had to stop. Heart pounding, hard to breath, and arms and legs not wanting to move. A buzz and tingling in the body also, so I left the mower sit where it was shut down, came inside the house and had to lie down. During the recovery rest, I was thinking "oh shit" if somebody took a photo or video of me I'll loose my help and benefits, be out on the street while the banks and government take my home and car. Looks like they'll go the full distance, so I don't even have the piece of mind of knowing I qualify by their rules yet??? For now I'm done filing out forms and applying for help. Now the waiting continues and I'm just going to do the best I can until then, no other choice! My big pleasure is watching the bird feeder outside which attracts birds, squirrels, and even raccoons! A few snakes every now and then. I love watching the animals and anything to do with creation including seeing the sunsets and sunrises... There's always a silver lining! Oh, and I'm starting to enjoy posting these things although I wish I had paid attention to my English teachers, because it would be great to know how to write and author things. Silly me, when younger, just worked for the sake of working... no planning or dream chasing...had to work!

2003-08-13T07:38:00.000-04:00

Last night I couldn't help but reflect on how organized my life's direction seemed before Oct. 2002. Job, finances, social and hobbies were all in place and on a steady course to take me into retirement. I am a creature of habbit and strived to find routine nearly all of my life staying with the predictable and successful plans even though those paths took longer. Today, I'm on a different path and journey where everyday is a struggle and totally unpredictable. My choices to start smoking cigarettes in my teens and choosing job trades where welding and fabricating steel, of all things in a cement roofing tile production mill (sand, cement, silica and round the clock dust and chemicals!) can now be said to be a bad mix of choices. From the end of last until today I went through a gradual inability to maintain my earnings from work. A steady collapse in worked hours, at first. Then a lost day here and there followed by lost time in days and so on. Two years ago, I was working out with weights, cycling and jogging proudly posting my photo's in online profiles showing my physical changes which weren't to bad for a 40 + man. The contrast now from then goes way beyond fighting for survival physically and emotionally. It's a fight to keep any aspect of property and the life I worked so hard to keep in order. God forbid if you don't have at least 6 months worth of bills saved up in the bank while you apply for disability benefits to carry you through this. I didn't! When the working income slows and finally stops becaues the physicians place you on short term diability followed by disabiltiy, you find your savings paying for medicines and electric bills, etc. chipping away at those savings. That's where I am now, just about halfway through the waiting process with 3 months to go for a decision and help. In less than one month I'll need to file bankruptcy as I don't have the resources or energy and health to find creative ways to stop the finacial fall. Any quality of life depends on other people in the systems (our tax dollars pay for) making decisions for or against the applications. My hard fought battles to be independent and paying my own way all of my adult life now lies in the hands of others. Wow, it feels good to write this and make room in mind for more later...... Oh, I miss qualifying for SSI because I have a non running '89 pickup in the backyard. It's considered an asset they tell me. My spendable dollars in the mean time are at zero! My late bills ....well, I don't want to think about that now. Time for a rest, and careful planning to get through today. Love, peace and good health to you........

2003-08-12T22:43:00.000-04:00

Greetings Visitor, This is my first attempt with this wonderful forum provided at Blogger so read with patients as I learn and adjust. I've been diagnosed with COPD/EMPHYSEMA and as my life changes I needed an outlet, so here I am. Note the Blog "Finish Line In Sight" comes from a biblical reference by the Apostle Paul regarding life being a race, which always made sense to me....although I never thought the finish line would be insight before! I'll work on my technique and formulate a plan of direction within the next few days on how to use this site. I'm so amazed with the cyber world and digital stuff so I can only feel good about doing this and sharing with those who read my words... Do what you desire as soon as possible and never think your finish line is beyond sight.....one turn and it's there before you know it!!! Last, I want to thank an artistic person who gave me the idea to take on this little adventure. I don't know this young man, just inspired by his journal. Thanks 'halfbeast' for sharing your talent and artistic spirit...it's all good!